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Saturday, July 7, 2007

Threesome Joke of the day

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit, then she asked ifI 'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom you still awake?"

Ah So True Joke of the day

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. Think about this ... No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucketI just love the following .....

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Ain't it the truth!!

Monday, July 2, 2007

A Million Dollars Joke of the day

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.

"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"

GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"

GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."

The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"

GOD said, "In a minute."

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Inner Peace Joke of the day

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines, and a box ofGodiva Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo Joke of the day

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girlin the world.

"Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world.

"Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world.

"So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records tohave their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy."It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.

"Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially thesmallest person in the world.

"Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused andsays."Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Marriage Counseling Joke of the day

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 yearsthey had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list ofun-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, thetherapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife tostand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what yourwife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?

"The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. "Well, I can dropher off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday's, I fish!

Pirate in a Bar Joke of the day

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg,
a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said,"Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd liketo buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum.

"Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboardfor
stealing a man's rum."

"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals offMadagascar under Admiral Hawk."

"Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine!
How did you lose your eye?"

"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.

"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!"

he asked. "Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Simple Home Remedies Joke of the day

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto!

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink..

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer..

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button .

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

Sunday, June 24, 2007

What a Woman Really Wants Joke of the day

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.

The question? . . . What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice, compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

ArthurHence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered . . . is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self only half-the-time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT . . . make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now . . . what is the moral to this story?

The moral is . . .

If you don't let a woman have her own way . . .

Things are going to get ugly!

Guts and Balls Joke of the day

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Outsource the President? Joke of the day

Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP)

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2007. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.

"We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA).

"We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices (Mumbai ,India) will assume the office of President as of July 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem, as President Bush was not familiar with the issues either.

It is not yet clear if plans are being considered for outsourcing the Senate and the House of Representatives. This could seriously affect staffing efficiency at the Dell call center. Special interests and lobbyists here are expected to seriously push back on any such efforts. It is thought that saving the hundreds of millions of dollars now spent annually on campaign financing could positively affect the U.S. economy.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years."

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.

He will not also be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc., to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.

According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical or successful work experience. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands, as well as his special smile.

If approved, most of the affected Congressional positions would probably revert to entry level Internet bloggers or on-call street activists. If nothing else, they may be offered jobs as reporters or TV commentators.

Newlyweds Joke of the day

A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Wanda, paid a visit to their doctor.

"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said Ed. "My thingy's turnin blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you." The doctor took a look. Sure enough, Ed's "thingy" really was blue. The doctor turned to Wanda and asked,
"Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for you?"

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly."And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape," she replied.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

The Man Code Joke of the day

1. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.

2. When questioned by a friend's girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

4. A best man's toast may not include any of the following phrases, "down in Tijuana", "one time when we were all piss drunk", or "and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw".

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out "bullshit!". (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)

6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.

9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own - grill, car, firstborn child - within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered "lucky" are not applicable in this case.

10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he's trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
11. Do not torpedo single friends.

12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

13. Before dating a buddy's ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, "man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls"

14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.

15. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!

16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)

17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal's boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.

19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.

20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.

23. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren't wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think "what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin", in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.

24. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.

25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, "house rules" may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.

26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.

27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.

28. If you ever compliment a guy's six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.

29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.

30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:"Yeah, baby, push it!""Come on, give me one more, harder!""Another set and we can hit the showers""Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?"

31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.

Cowboy Boots Joke of the day

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up ona table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with bigfeet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobodyever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Monday, June 18, 2007

Did the Chicken Cross the Road? Joke of the day

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won'trealize that he must first deal with his problems on "THIS" side of theroad before it goes after his problems on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road.What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by nottaking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems,which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of havingthe chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part oflife, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just driveacross the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearlysee the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road ..

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is achicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side ofthe road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road,I am now against it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misledabout the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remainagainst it. Probably.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY!You can see it in his eyes, and in the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworkingAmerican.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me what directionthat chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market tosell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave
me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken - cross the road? Did he cross it -with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road - but why it crossed -I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken is gay! Can't you peoplesee the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going tothe "other side." That's why they call it, the "other side." Yes, myfriends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you willbecome gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out thisabomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmlessphrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing theroad. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed theroad. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that wasgood enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: In a few moments, we will be listening forthe first time,that same chicken tell us, in its own words, theheart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting,and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens .... It's easy, if youtry ..... Crossing roads, together .... Hoping not to die .....Imagine all, the chickens .... Crossing, roads, in peace ....

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2000, MillenniumEdition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file yourimportant documents, and balance your check book. Internet Exploreris a integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stableand will never cras ... #@&&^(!

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or didthe road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

Car Crash Joke of the day

I rear-ended a car a few days ago....... I tell you, It was a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a friggin’ DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "well, which one are you then?"

Thursday, June 14, 2007

S & M Joke of the day

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

You're Fine Joke of the day

Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.

"The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

The Alamo Joke of the day

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.

Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping today?"

Monday, June 11, 2007

First Cut is the Deepest Joke of the day

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Fabric Counter Joke of the day

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buythis material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards.

"With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedlymeasured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man."

Diploma Joke of the day

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal- Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something inthe basket she would say, 'And here's something for you, Diploma.' or 'This will make a cute little outfit for you,Diploma.' and so on.

Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked, 'Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?'

The grandmother replied, 'I sent my daughter to Virginia Tech and this is what she came home with!'

Candles Joke of the day

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremonyand various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles. Couplesusually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many peoplewere now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom.He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning.

After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Trial Joke of the day - 4th June, 2007

So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant,"you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor,

"you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.""That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

The defendant replies, "It was easier than having to shoot a different man everyday!"

Valentines Day Joke of the day - 5th June, 2007

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Grandma's Boyfriend Joke of the day - 2nd June, 2007

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

Cosmetics Joke of the day - 3rd June, 2007

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Friday, June 1, 2007

Sunday Afternoon Quickie

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
A few moments passed.

"An ambulance just drove by.

"A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike.

"A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving.
""Jason is on his skate board.

"A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex.

"Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle too."

JokesWareHouse Joke of the day - 30th May, 2007

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Duck Hunt


A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guysgo out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural-looking open water for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float in.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So,out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on theice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb scream and holler at the dog tostop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and ofcourse terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops thedynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " BOOOOOOOOM.... The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believethis just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make thefirst of those $560.00 a month payments.The dog is okay. . .doing fine.And you thought Rednecks only live in the South......... Joke of the day - 29th May, 2007

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Golf Story

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?""I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost.""Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!""That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"

Posted by JokesWareHouse-Joke of the day - 28th May, 2007

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."

Posted by Jokes Warehouse 25 May 2007

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Doctor Doctor jokes

The first set of many Doctor Doctor jokes.
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?No, I really did!
Doctor Doctor I think I’m a moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the window…!
Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps!
Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don’t worry it’s just a chain reaction!

Posted by Joker on May 18, 2006 at 7:07 pm

Hollywood Lessons. Celebrity Joke

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

Posted by Joker on September 22, 2006 at 11:19 am

The Three Stars - Celebrity Jokes

The Three Stars

One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a new movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ‘’Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'’ The three stars agreed. Then went into the jungle to look for some foodSpielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.

Posted by Joker on September 22, 2006 at 11:07 am