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Thursday, May 31, 2007

Duck Hunt


A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guysgo out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural-looking open water for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float in.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So,out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on theice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb scream and holler at the dog tostop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and ofcourse terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops thedynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " BOOOOOOOOM.... The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believethis just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make thefirst of those $560.00 a month payments.The dog is okay. . .doing fine.And you thought Rednecks only live in the South......... Joke of the day - 29th May, 2007

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Golf Story

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day!The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:
Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00He asks the Manager, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?""I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost.""Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!""That's right, sir, you could have, said the manager. Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!"

Posted by JokesWareHouse-Joke of the day - 28th May, 2007

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"The voice replied, "No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager...."

Posted by Jokes Warehouse 25 May 2007

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Doctor Doctor jokes

The first set of many Doctor Doctor jokes.
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?No, I really did!
Doctor Doctor I think I’m a moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the window…!
Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps!
Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don’t worry it’s just a chain reaction!

Posted by Joker on May 18, 2006 at 7:07 pm

Hollywood Lessons. Celebrity Joke

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

Posted by Joker on September 22, 2006 at 11:19 am

The Three Stars - Celebrity Jokes

The Three Stars

One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a new movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ‘’Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'’ The three stars agreed. Then went into the jungle to look for some foodSpielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.

Posted by Joker on September 22, 2006 at 11:07 am